Sex after surgery is good, happy couple says
June 5, 2008
Comments on this story
(0)
Roberta Avery
SPECIAL TO THE STAR
For Mark Richardson and his wife, Julie Taylor, their first reaction was total denial when the spectre of prostate cancer surfaced in the spring of 2007.
"I thought prostate cancer was an old man's disease, I didn't think it could be happening to me," says Richardson, 54, a project manager at a Hamilton steel company.
"I had no thoughts anything could possibly be wrong," says Taylor, 45, a clinician at a Hamilton hospital. "I thought Mark's too young, too healthy, he runs and jogs, he hikes and skis, eats healthily."
The couple's relationship is one of romance, passion and love. Richardson, who is a dead ringer for Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings, swept Taylor off her feet a decade ago, and they married in a fairy tale wedding in 2002.
Although busy with careers and family – she has three sons from a previous marriage and he three daughters – they always made time for each other and enjoyed a fulfilling life, in and out of the bedroom.
But reality set in when five of 10 biopsy samples – taken on the day Mark's youngest stepson, Trent, graduated from Grade 8 – proved to be cancerous.
"I kept thinking about how much time I had left," Richardson says.
"All I wanted was for Mark to live," says Taylor, fighting back tears at the memory.
Although "wait and see" was an option, Richardson's specialist suggested a radical prostatectomy, and he was booked for surgery in August at Toronto General Hospital.
"The doctors told us not to Google prostate cancer because we would get a lot of misinformation," Richardson says.
Instead, they talked to friends and family. Although almost everyone knew of older men who had faced prostate cancer, the details were sketchy and it was unclear whether sexual dysfunction was a serious risk.
They were dismayed and sombre when, a few days later, the specialist laid out the facts.
"It was a shock to learn that some of the things we were possibly facing were incontinence and erectile dysfunction," Taylor says.
"I felt like an old man all of a sudden," Richardson adds.
The couple resigned themselves to major adjustments in their sex life. "I was more worried about how Mark would cope," Taylor says.
Their first hint of optimism came from a booklet called So You're Having Prostate Surgery – What Happens Next?, co-authored by urology nurse Leah Jamnicky and Dr. Robert Nam.
Then, the couple met with Jamnicky, and learned that a man can still have orgasms and sexual pleasure without an erection.
"That's the kind of good news we were waiting for and, let's face it, your sex life is very personal and not something you generally talk about with family or friends," Taylor says. "So, it was really good to have someone we could talk to."
Although unable to discuss specific cases, Jamnicky says prostate cancer is being diagnosed in a growing number of younger men.
"It used to be nearly all men 70-plus; now we're seeing men in their 40s," says Jamnicky, who works at the University Health Network in Toronto.
But thanks to advances in surgery, she says most men do regain sexual function after a prostatectomy.
"The psychological effects can be worse than the cancer. My role is to explain to them that prostate cancer is not the end of the road.
"No patient should lose their desire for sex – that's never affected."
Because the erogenous zones are not affected by prostate cancer or its treatment, Jamnicky says men can still have dry orgasms without an erection.
Richardson's prostatectomy went well and the surgeon was able to save the nerve bundle at the apex of the prostate, which improves the chances of regaining erections.
Pathology results confirmed the cancer had not spread, so the prospect of a full recovery and normal lifespan are good.
Richardson regained bladder control within three weeks. Shortly afterwards, the couple resumed intimacy and he experienced his first orgasm without an erection.
"I was surprised because it felt just as pleasurable," he says.
"Our sex life was exactly as it was before, except for an erection," Taylor says. "But that still leaves you a lot of scope."
Since then, things have continued to get better for Taylor and Richardson.
They wanted to share their story to let other couples know that prostate cancer doesn't mean the end of life in the bedroom.
"It's less than a year, yet we've come a long way and we now know that even after a radical prostatectomy, things can be really good again," Taylor says.
"You really can pick up where you left off," Richardson says. "My hope is that ... sharing our experience will help other men and their partners."
Toronto Star