My Perspective
Give us a helping hand — we'll pull for you!
April 30, 2010
Mark Sussmann
SPECIAL TO THE STAR
I don't like to remember those days when I was first gripped by mental illness, but it is an accomplishment, in itself, that I am able to.
I've had electroconvulsive therapy (shock treatment) that has affected my memory, but, still, I do recall not going to high school with my friends. And I do remember how difficult it was to try and be social when medicated up to my eyeballs.
When I was on the down side of my bipolar illness, I obsessed over online news. I grew increasingly paranoid and lived in darkness that mirrored my moods. I couldn't leave my place for weeks at a time and I remember the sadness of waking up each day. It was so much better to just sleep away the hours rather than endure the pain of being alive. I really didn't believe that I was worthy of love. I couldn't see how anyone could even like me, or give me a second thought.
When I was on the “up” part of the cycle, I was on cloud nine. Everyone was my friend, I knew how to solve all the world's problems, I felt invincible and omnipotent, and tortured friends and family with all my “brilliant” thoughts. My relationships deteriorated even as my sense of invincibility increased.
I ended up on my own, living on the income provided by the Ontario Disability Support Program. This was a rude awakening to the realities of being pensioned off as incapable of working.
No one wants to believe they have a mental illness, or that they need to be on medication for the rest of their lives, and I was no exception. I kept remembering how I'd been before the initial onset of this disease (10 years ago, at about age 15), and I wanted to be that person again. It left me vulnerable to false hope, and when I heard of a natural alternative to the psychiatric meds, I went for it. I am still trying to catch up on that one year of my life that was given over to mania and its polar opposite. I won't do that again.
I started Seneca College's paralegal program at Newnham campus in North York (two years on a full-time basis). I started in 2007, but had to take most of 2008 off due to my mental illness. I am a part-time student and I am on pace to graduate in the summer of 2011.
The meds I take have side effects, which can sometimes leave me very tired. Fortunately, Seneca has a great disability office and makes accommodation for students with physical or psychiatric illnesses.
Students like me do sometimes struggle to get to class, struggle to stay in our seats, and afterwards struggle to make it home. But we accept this because we want a better life, we want to contribute our talents and abilities. I have gradually reduced my accommodations, however, because I suspect that when I graduate next year, employers will not be so generous. As a paralegal, time pressures are absolute, and I want to be able to cut it.
I want the public to know that people like me desperately want to be productive. There is really no visible way to tell us apart from those who do not have a diagnosis, unless we write an article like this. And if we do become ill, we need the support of resources in the community to regain our footing.
We deserve better than to be shunned, cast aside, looked down upon or controlled by those who think they know what's best for us. If you encounter someone who needs help, treat him or her with compassion because we are just a diagnosis away from being your wife, husband, sister or brother.
I want future employers to know that, while some of us may need special arrangements, these will benefit you as it will maximize our performance and productivity. We will give you our best efforts, because we will be grateful for the chance to show what we can do.
I know that in order to be self-sufficient and independent, I need the support of my family, my friends, a routine to follow, medication and healthy food to eat. I have most of those things now, and am working toward achieving the rest. All the people that enable me to be stable today, including my social worker from LOFT/Crosslinks Housing and Supportive Services, my doctors and support organizations, are what I like to call my “psychiatric entourage.” It's more flattering for them and less ominous for me.
I have decided that, in spite of my disability, I will succeed in life. I will not allow myself to waste any more of it being unwell. There are too many things I want to accomplish, too many people I want to meet and a whole world out there to enjoy. I want in!
Mark Sussmann lives in Aurora and is a member of the People's Review of Social Assistance, an Ontario government-authorized advisory panel.
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